It Gets Worse...

Gay.com has decided to honor men of the "It Gets Better" campaign (the campaign of videos made by gay men and women to be played by young people experiencing bullying, ostracism, and family strife for being gay).  But who are they honoring?  The "hottest guys."

A poll is being conducted at http://daily.gay.com/lifestyle/2011/02/vote-hottest-guys-of-the-it-gets-better-series.html (women are somehow spared this indignity, probably because gay.com is primarily a site aimed at men).  You get to vote on a select group of mostly sports and entertainment celebrities, a few accomplished professionals, and two "gap kids."  You get to say who is the hottest.  NOT the most inspiring.  NOT the most heartfelt.  NOT most helpful.

This dark twist on a well-intentioned and valuable campaign that only reinforces to young gay boys and young men that looks are the primary commodity in the community.  The hidden message, "[Your looks] Get Better."  But that just isn't true for everyone.

Being good-looking is a valuable commodity in the gay community and in the straight women's community (anywhere men are the objects of affection and hold the rating card). But, not everyone gets to the top of what can be a difficult and generally temporary heap. There are probably kids and adults who realize that they will never be considered by the masses to be "hot."  Seeing a campaign like this may only reinforce despair.

It doesn't surprise me that representatives from the gay community end up shooting the community in the foot once in a while.  All communities have similar (and often more dramatic) examples.  I just hope we step back once in a while and do a values check.  Are looks the thing we want to celebrate in an anti-bullying campaign?

Shall I cancel my Memorial Day plans?

This time the notification was different.  Instead of hearing proclamations from a bearded man in a toga and carrying a hand drawn sign.  Instead of finding a group of shoeless followers now deceased and peacefully laying in bunk beds.  Instead of watching the scene played out on a movie screen.  It's now on a billboard near you.

Fear has always been a good short-term motivator to take action.  And, if you believe Judgment Day is coming on the date indicated by a billboard, you are more likely to repent, or at least listen to the radio station they are advertising.

But what happens on May 22nd?  If there is no Judgment Day, what will the Family Radio folks say to each other?  I guess we will have to wait to find out.  For me, I will keep my Memorial Day plans intact.  It was never God's judgment I feared.  Last time I checked, God was not created in man's image.  And, I have trouble believing that God would be as petty and judgmental as so many of those who threaten his wrath.

When the therapist becomes part of the problem...

Sometimes people come in with a complaint that plays out in therapy itself.  Often this is due to a dynamic that plays out between the therapist and the client that also plays out in the world outside of therapy between the client and others he or she meets along the way. If the therapist is aware, he or she can point out the dynamic and discuss it with the client.  The client can be shown ways that he or she may be doing to trigger and/or exacerbate the problem.  In doing so, the client learns to have power over the issue.  

But if the therapist is unaware or does otherwise ignores the dynamic, the therapist is often doomed to play it out with the client.  Unlike the outside world, this is the golden opportunity for both to discuss it and the therapist can reflect on the therapist's role in the problem and what happened.  This can empower the client to take actions that may help prevent further problems and/or to accept that sometimes we pull for some reactions in others in ways we cannot control (like with height, race, or gender).

The Dark Side of the Masculine

This song starts with the words:

When will I see you again? 
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said, 
No final kiss to seal any sins, 
I had no idea of the state we were in.


It reminded me of a class at the hospital where I teach.  A student was presenting a case where a female client had been wronged by her boyfriend and she took action by burning his clothes a la Angela Bassett's character in "Waiting to Exhale."  The consensus among the predominately female class is that the woman had "picked wrong" and the burning was deserved and they applauded her action.

Cut to just a few minutes later when another student was presenting a case where a woman's boyfriend had moved out and took all of his possessions when she was at work.  She came home to an empty apartment - except for her things.  The class took an opposite view of the perpetrator's actions.  They saw him as wimpy and pathetic.

Could it be that women can do no wrong?  Or is it that men are seen as the initiators of bad actions and deserve whatever they get?  To me it was neither.

I saw the woman who burned her boyfriend's clothes as expressing the dark side of the feminine.  Feminine characteristics are usually seen as nurturing, warmth, and receptive, but the flip side is vicious, cold, and attacking.  This side is rarely seen, but when provoked, can do serious damage.

But the dark side of the masculine is something more mysterious and perplexing to most.  That is what I believe the second student's client was demonstrating.  Masculine characteristics are usually seen as aggressive, confident, and probing, but masculinity's dark flip side is passivity, fear, and withdrawal.

What Adele sings about in her song, "Don't You Remember," alludes to a man who has pulled out of her life without notice or warning.  Either this man was just as hurt and upset as Angela Bassett's character.  Or he is just as insane.

What was notable to me in class is that the students illustrated that most people tend to celebrate aggression when acted out by someone we perceive as generally weak.  And, most condemn passivity when acted out by someone we perceive as generally strong.

What may be most salient (to me anyway) is that all things have an opposite.  Because we know "up," we also know "down." Maybe the opposite of masculine is feminine (and vice versa).  And maybe the dark side of each is a reflection of the sunny side of the other.

Feelings vs. Reality

What is a Thought Record?

At the risk of admitting a big "duh" from you:  first, it's the name of my blog.  But, like many blog titles, it has another meaning.  For those "in the know" in the Cognitive Behavior Therapy world, a Thought Record is a specific task or means of analyzing your thoughts, behaviors, feelings in a given situation.  It also provides a means of helping you change your thoughts to more realistic, balanced, and reality-based thinking that will also help you to have healthier feelings and more productive behaviors.  All of that is well and good, but I don't have such a lofty goal. 

My goal for the blog is to give me an outlet for my thoughts as they relate somewhat to the profession and my experience within it, but mostly to my thoughts about being a human on this planet experiencing some of the same struggles and curiosities as the rest of you.  You see, I am a psychologist by profession, but I am mostly a human being.  So some things will be professional and some things will be personal.   I plan to feature information that I find interesting, irreverent, or just plain irritating.  You can be the judge.

Just FYI.  Here I be in my office:

                                                       Damn web cam pics...