A THANK YOU NOTE from a newly minted Compulsive Avoider.

As we progress into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails
over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door  without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread  because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands  with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because   I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag  for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,  now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar   because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC  because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants  even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern ,  I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy  fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap  in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema  because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers  because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And  I no longer answer the phone because  someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the car parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening  because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.. 

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

Author Unknown (I guess he or she doesn't want his or her identity stolen either!)

Radical Acceptance?

It is rare I want to pick apart a comic, even for a learning point.  To me, the best humor is something that you instantly get and just resonates.  Picking it apart, takes away the very thing it does best; make you laugh.  But that's exactly what I want to do here.  No, not take away the laughter, but to make a point. 

The notion of Radical Acceptance has made it's way into popular conversation.  Probably primarily due to Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" and Oprah Winfrey.  In psychology, the notion of Radical Acceptance has been integrated into the therapeutic approaches of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) by Marsha Linehan and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) by Steven Hayes, though the concept is also utilized in many other therapies and has been utilized in many religious practices and philosophical approaches, especially Buddhism. 

In a nutshell, Radical Acceptance is accepting something for exactly what it is and letting go of demanding it be anything else.  This can apply to a person, place, or thing, but is most often applied to a situation -- usually what is going on at the present moment (i.e., the now).

Most do not realize that we often demand people, places, and things -- especially in current situations -- be other than they are.  If I go to see a blockbuster movie that had good reviews and I find it boring, I could get angry as I am watching it demanding (even subtly in my head) that the movie be better than I perceive it to be.  Of course, to those who reviewed it and those who have gone back a second time, it is better than I perceive it to be.  But, if I demand I enjoy the movie at the level of those people and blame it on the movie, I am not accepting reality: I think the movie is dull and feel disconnected from it (i.e., bored).  But, we are talking about the comic.

Two children are playing chase in a living area where what appears to be their father is sitting in a chair (perhaps watching television or relaxing). Perhaps his plan was to enjoy some down time.  Unfortunately, his kids had other ideas (as kids often do).

The dad is portrayed telling the kids that they are making "radical acceptance of now" very, very difficult.  Indeed.  He was most probably focusing on his moment in time and taking in the richness of the experience, whether he was meditating or watching the NFL.  Radically accepting a moment like that can bring a fullness to an otherwise good experience that actually enhances joy.  Enter the kids.

The kids probably spoiled dad's joyful moment.  For dad to demand (other words include insist or expect) that the kids be other than they are would provide instant argument with reality -- what is.  That argument would cause the dad to become very upset and/or take measures to control the environment to return it to its previous state, such as punishing the children harshly.  So is the solution radical acceptance?  Not the way dad is seeing it.

The comic implies that "radical acceptance of the now" is being good with it.   But how can an exhausted dad be expected to be good with rambunctious children?  Even the most superhuman of parents reach their breaking point. 

A more helpful application of 'radical acceptance of the now' in the cartoon might be a letting go of the joy of the moment just before the kids entered the room and then radically accepting the moment the kids entered the room -- loud and disruptive.  It is not demanding that the moment be different than it is, but it is also not being happy with the moment either.  This is where a subtle nuance comes in.

Radical acceptance is seeing something for exactly what it is, it is not liking or enjoying it.  Sometimes the moment can be painful, irritating, or even devastating.  It can is, after all, reality.  The liking or disliking something includes other processes involved in our perception and interpretation or the events before us.  Sometimes, such as in the case of screaming children, we don't jump for joy.

So can this father both experience radical acceptance of the now in the moment his children run in the room and feel irritated?  I would say absolutely.  If he sees the moment for what it is and not demand it be anything else, he can see the children as acting in the moment as well.  Dad is less likely to bring the emotional baggage of his past which usually manifests as demands for how ourselves, others, and the situation (or world, or future) should be. 

It does not change the fact that dad was at peace one moment and disrupted in the next.  The disruption could cause him a quick physiological change (e.g., startle response) and he could have a negative evaluation of the moment (e.g., "I want a moment to relax and the kids are making that impossible in this moment").  His natural reaction would to become irritated.  His irritation would most likely cause him to take action such as getting the kids attention and having them play elsewhere. 

A demand creates a narrow perception of what "should be" rather than an open and accepting and, hopefully, more accurate view of "what is." Demands are often mixed up with preferences.  A preference is what we want things to be, but we do not demand them to be.  The dad may prefer, even strongly prefer that his kids not make noise.  That is rational.

It's been a while...

It has been nearly a year since my last post.  What could be the reason for this?  I have been writing.  Just not here.  Also, it is not usual for people to get inspiration to write and then lose that inspiration.  It could be for several reason such as life catching up with them and writing losing priority, or it could be negative feedback, fear of judgment, and many other things. 

Most people don't require an explanation.  They go from one blog post to another.  So, I could say something generic like it was all of those things combined.

One year ago, I was very happy with my life.  But then a turn of several events happened.  From the outside, things looked just fine but the events lead me to question several aspects of my life. 

I wish this process had not taken as long as it did.  But, it did.  I could go into it one day, and perhaps I will, but at the conclusion of the process was not a set of answers but a realization that some questions will remained unanswered and that's O.K.  This not only calmed me but also gave me energy to live life rather than try to solve it. 

Will I continue writing on this blog?  I hope so.  But if I am not, know that I am taking a little extra time to live.

It Gets Worse...

Gay.com has decided to honor men of the "It Gets Better" campaign (the campaign of videos made by gay men and women to be played by young people experiencing bullying, ostracism, and family strife for being gay).  But who are they honoring?  The "hottest guys."

A poll is being conducted at http://daily.gay.com/lifestyle/2011/02/vote-hottest-guys-of-the-it-gets-better-series.html (women are somehow spared this indignity, probably because gay.com is primarily a site aimed at men).  You get to vote on a select group of mostly sports and entertainment celebrities, a few accomplished professionals, and two "gap kids."  You get to say who is the hottest.  NOT the most inspiring.  NOT the most heartfelt.  NOT most helpful.

This dark twist on a well-intentioned and valuable campaign that only reinforces to young gay boys and young men that looks are the primary commodity in the community.  The hidden message, "[Your looks] Get Better."  But that just isn't true for everyone.

Being good-looking is a valuable commodity in the gay community and in the straight women's community (anywhere men are the objects of affection and hold the rating card). But, not everyone gets to the top of what can be a difficult and generally temporary heap. There are probably kids and adults who realize that they will never be considered by the masses to be "hot."  Seeing a campaign like this may only reinforce despair.

It doesn't surprise me that representatives from the gay community end up shooting the community in the foot once in a while.  All communities have similar (and often more dramatic) examples.  I just hope we step back once in a while and do a values check.  Are looks the thing we want to celebrate in an anti-bullying campaign?

Shall I cancel my Memorial Day plans?

This time the notification was different.  Instead of hearing proclamations from a bearded man in a toga and carrying a hand drawn sign.  Instead of finding a group of shoeless followers now deceased and peacefully laying in bunk beds.  Instead of watching the scene played out on a movie screen.  It's now on a billboard near you.

Fear has always been a good short-term motivator to take action.  And, if you believe Judgment Day is coming on the date indicated by a billboard, you are more likely to repent, or at least listen to the radio station they are advertising.

But what happens on May 22nd?  If there is no Judgment Day, what will the Family Radio folks say to each other?  I guess we will have to wait to find out.  For me, I will keep my Memorial Day plans intact.  It was never God's judgment I feared.  Last time I checked, God was not created in man's image.  And, I have trouble believing that God would be as petty and judgmental as so many of those who threaten his wrath.

When the therapist becomes part of the problem...

Sometimes people come in with a complaint that plays out in therapy itself.  Often this is due to a dynamic that plays out between the therapist and the client that also plays out in the world outside of therapy between the client and others he or she meets along the way. If the therapist is aware, he or she can point out the dynamic and discuss it with the client.  The client can be shown ways that he or she may be doing to trigger and/or exacerbate the problem.  In doing so, the client learns to have power over the issue.  

But if the therapist is unaware or does otherwise ignores the dynamic, the therapist is often doomed to play it out with the client.  Unlike the outside world, this is the golden opportunity for both to discuss it and the therapist can reflect on the therapist's role in the problem and what happened.  This can empower the client to take actions that may help prevent further problems and/or to accept that sometimes we pull for some reactions in others in ways we cannot control (like with height, race, or gender).

The Dark Side of the Masculine

This song starts with the words:

When will I see you again? 
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said, 
No final kiss to seal any sins, 
I had no idea of the state we were in.


It reminded me of a class at the hospital where I teach.  A student was presenting a case where a female client had been wronged by her boyfriend and she took action by burning his clothes a la Angela Bassett's character in "Waiting to Exhale."  The consensus among the predominately female class is that the woman had "picked wrong" and the burning was deserved and they applauded her action.

Cut to just a few minutes later when another student was presenting a case where a woman's boyfriend had moved out and took all of his possessions when she was at work.  She came home to an empty apartment - except for her things.  The class took an opposite view of the perpetrator's actions.  They saw him as wimpy and pathetic.

Could it be that women can do no wrong?  Or is it that men are seen as the initiators of bad actions and deserve whatever they get?  To me it was neither.

I saw the woman who burned her boyfriend's clothes as expressing the dark side of the feminine.  Feminine characteristics are usually seen as nurturing, warmth, and receptive, but the flip side is vicious, cold, and attacking.  This side is rarely seen, but when provoked, can do serious damage.

But the dark side of the masculine is something more mysterious and perplexing to most.  That is what I believe the second student's client was demonstrating.  Masculine characteristics are usually seen as aggressive, confident, and probing, but masculinity's dark flip side is passivity, fear, and withdrawal.

What Adele sings about in her song, "Don't You Remember," alludes to a man who has pulled out of her life without notice or warning.  Either this man was just as hurt and upset as Angela Bassett's character.  Or he is just as insane.

What was notable to me in class is that the students illustrated that most people tend to celebrate aggression when acted out by someone we perceive as generally weak.  And, most condemn passivity when acted out by someone we perceive as generally strong.

What may be most salient (to me anyway) is that all things have an opposite.  Because we know "up," we also know "down." Maybe the opposite of masculine is feminine (and vice versa).  And maybe the dark side of each is a reflection of the sunny side of the other.